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Subtle is out tonight. Then comes the kind of torture I thought had been banned under the Geneva Convention. My hair is wound into rollers, backcombed, scrunched, straightened and sprayed for more than 50 minutes.

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I crush my feet into a pair of sparkly skyscraper shoes — so much for walking anywhere — and then pour myself into the tight rubber-like gold Fun Essex single black female. Finally, my make-over is complete. The result is, frankly, shocking. Instead, I meet an extremely done-up, over-glamorous, unrecognisable version of myself. Even though I feel conspicuous, Women seeking sex Bessie waitress assures me much of the clientele sport the same, over-the-top look.

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Diners turn and stare. Another, Barry, breaks off from his 40th birthday celebrations to come over and kiss me on the cheek.

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Unfortunately, female diners look far less friendly. My hour stint as an Essex lady is nearly over and it has been.

It will be blacm relief to get back into my own clothes — and the shower.

Although it might take a Demale Pad, and several weeks, to rid myself of this tan. But you blend in and definitely look the part.

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